


DDAWG Is Man’s Best Friend

by M J Holyoke (wholeyolk)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Developing Friendships, Gen, Humor, POV Outsider, Turing Fest 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-04-06 17:52:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19067641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholeyolk/pseuds/M%20J%20Holyoke
Summary: I work in Amity.com Retail Delivery Service Logistics. That, in layperson’s terms, makes me a DDAWG pack leader.As you probably already know, the acronym DDAWG stands forDroneDeliveryAssistanceWorldwideGuaranteed. Most people pronounce it like “dog.”





	DDAWG Is Man’s Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bright_Elen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bright_Elen/gifts).



I work in Amity.com Retail Delivery Service Logistics. That, in layperson’s terms, makes me a DDAWG pack leader.

As you probably already know, the acronym DDAWG stands for **D** rone **D** elivery **A** ssistance **W** orldwide **G** uaranteed. Most people pronounce it like “dog.”

Yes, yes, I know—I know exactly what you’re thinking. I’ve heard the critiques too. This is my job—you think I don’t? I mean, even if I could avoid the tv coverage  _and_ the newspaper op-eds, well, there’s always family to ask their questions and share their unasked for opinions at every holiday get-together.

Look, it isn’t my decision anyway. I’m not the one who gets to design the world; I just get to live in it, same as you. Way I figure, it could be worse. DDAWGs are cheaper for Amity.com than Human-in-Delivery-Van sorts of setups, and because they’re 100% solar-powered, they’re also more environmentally friendly.

Besides, it’s not like they’re used for every home delivery everywhere. There’s only so much a DDAWG can carry, so your average four-piece bedroom furniture set, say, is already out of the question. Small-sized packages only need apply. And if you don’t want same-day express with insurance, tracking, and delivery confirmation, well, that’s not going to be a DDAWG delivery either.

Yes, yes, I know—the Amity.com one-command order settings are DDAWG delivery by default, and people often end up paying for more than they need to. Like I said, I’m not the one who gets to design the world. Take it up with a Customer Service Representative. If you’re lucky, you might actually get to talk to a real live person!

And in any case, DDAWGs do have their upsides. Rudimentary AI, facial recognition, machine learning, low maintenance. Plus, they’re cute. Like, reeaally cute—simple, round features, big eyes, pointlessly floppy ears, and a tail that wags. It’s completely intentional, and no one’s totally immune. Not even pack leaders.

Truth be told, the DDAWGs themselves are one of the biggest perks of this job, and sometimes I think there are a lot of Amity.com customers who consider a visit from a DDAWG to be the best part of the Amity.com shopping experience.

To give you some idea—the #1 customer in my pack’s territory has placed over 100 unique DDAWG-delivered orders in the past four months alone. Okay, okay, 83 of those orders to date have also DDAWG-returned for a full refund. I’m in charge of the Amity.com DDAWGs, not the Amity.com profit margin, so what do I care?

There’s quite a story there, if you’re interested.

Ah, so you’re game? Excellent.

Okay, so. Right. #1 customer—names changed to protect the innocent—let’s call them the “Smith” household, usually orders toys, games, books, candy, and other prepackaged foods. Toys…? Candy…? Yes, yes, I bet you don’t need an Amity.com proprietary predictive algorithm to guess who’s doing the shopping!

The first ten or so orders were placed via Osiris Button. You know how it goes: Your kid goes on a little voice-activated buying spree until you change your Osiris user settings. So far, so ordinary.

After that, though, the Smith household’s orders were all placed via website . . . and, weirdly, the six-year-old “Sammy”—names changed to protect the innocent, like I said—was given express authorization to approve deliveries. I audited the facial recognition data myself, and “Sammy” really is six, or I’ll eat my hat. Cute kid. Always grinning in the footage collected by the DDAWG. Clearly, the kid likes DDAWGs.

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking—the kid was the one who altered the delivery approval permits while the parents remained, shall we say, ignorant of the proceedings. Still a pretty ordinary story, all told—

Oh, I’m sorry? Did you say something about credit card fraud? I’m a pack leader, not a private investigator. If the Smith household doesn’t file any complaints about the service, this is soooo not my problem.

And as a matter of fact, I’ll have you know that we have a perfect 5/5 stars on service from the Smith household. Although DDAWGs do tend to receive high customer satisfaction ratings because they wag their tails and bark happily when you pet them, bad service is bad service, and if a DDAWG isn’t doing a good job, you can bet your bottom dollar that corporate will know aaaall about it.

Anyway, around the fiftieth or so order from the Smith household, something weird started happening. Instead of decreasing as it should do when the same DDAWG visits the same delivery destination repeatedly and learns its particular quirks, average delivery time was actually _increasing_. I couldn’t understand it—and then Pepper returned to the depot with a red rubber ball instead of an empty Amity.com delivery pouch in its mouth.

(I give my DDAWGs nicknames. Sue me. Pepper, short for “Pepper Spray,” is so-called because Pepper once had a too-close encounter with a machine that paints yellow lines onto newly paved roads.)

Look, see here? A new order from the Smith household has just come in. Pepper should be at their doorstep with a personalized birthday cake within the next three hours. I guess _somebody’s_ celebrating their seventh birthday today, huh?

Hmm. Hmm.  _Hmm . . ._

Oh well, looks like I’ll be putting in overtime tonight filling out a DD-103 drone disappearance form. DDAWGs are cheaper for Amity.com than Human-in-Delivery-Van sorts of setups, but the occasional unexplained disappearance of a pack member is an unavoidable cost of doing business. I mean, what can you do? Some things can’t be helped. Pepper will be missed.


End file.
